If you want to ensure that you never make first class: Gus Stevens

"If you want to ensure that you never make First Class, all you have to do is forget to order toilet paper. Just try explaining to the Chief of the Boat, or worse, your XO, that you need to break surveillance of a Chinese missile-boat in order to return to port because a bunch of non-qual seamen can't wipe their ass. It can't get you discharged, but you'd wish it did by the end of it."

"That's not why you left is it?"

"Nah, I got out because I couldn't handle the B.S. anymore. It gets tough taking orders from a bunch of guys straight out of Annapolis who don't know how to do their job but feel the need to prove their diploma makes them better than you. That and I had a hard time keeping up with the Physical Training after I broke my leg."

"I see. Well, we don't share the Navy's physical requirements here in our facility so that won't be an issue with us."

"That's encouraging."

..."We would like you to clarify this award that you've listed under the accomplishments heading. It says here that you received special commendation for exemplary service to the fleet."

"Oh yeah, that's kind of a funny story. I received that from the admiral while I was working in procurement in Pearl Harbor. The USS Ohio was set to go out for WESTPAC but they weren't able to get underway because their was a key piece of equipment that they needed for the mission that'd broken down. Now I was able to track down a working unit on another boat that'd just come in for dry dock. Since they weren't shipping out for at least a couple months, my Junior storekeeper and I ran over and pulled the junked equipment from the Ohio and requisitioned the working machine from the boat in dry dock. It took us about 17 hours to pull it off, but because of our efforts, the deployment was not delayed and the Ohio was able to complete its mission."

"That's great. We're looking to hire someone who's able to work in an adapting environment like the one you just described."

"Ah, hold on, I forgot the punchline. Here's the funny part. Care to guess what the special piece of equipment was?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, we're not asking you to share any sensitive or classified information."

"Oh no, don't worry about that. The special equipment they needed was their soft-serve ice cream machine."

… "Soft serve Ice-cream?"

"Yep."

… "They couldn't deploy without their soft serve ice cream machine?"

"Said it would be too damaging to morale."

… "It's a different Navy than when I was in."

"It sure is."